I know.. I’m only an “almost 18-year-old with still time to find love” I’ve been told that for a while now. But can we put aside age and discuss how much love can change people?
Like.. It moves people. It moved me too. It changed me.
But love is also frustrating. Love sucks too.
I have been in and out of relationships. They all ended with myself crying over them. Even if it was me doing the breaking up with. There’s no happy way out of it.
It’s like.. During the relationship you take it for granted. Like, you go through the day and you’re not thankful for that person in your life. Or at least you don’t spend a moment to thank they’re involved with you. But when it’s over, you can’t look at them. At least for me, I cannot even look at the person in the eyes anymore. I fill myself with guilt and sadness that that person changed me so much. If that makes any sense?
I recently broke up with someone, and it was the hardest thing I ever decided on doing. I had to do it.. But I mean he was my boyfriend. Obviously, I will feel sad. But it hit me harder than I expected. I thought I was going to feel better about myself and I would move on quickly. Nope. I beat myself up with guilt for days. Even now I sometimes ask myself, “Was that the right choice?” Even though deep down. Sadly, it was the right choice.
I know everything happens for a reason, but it’s more frustrating than I have ever thought. But again, I know I’m only 17. But I think I have a taste of love. And it’s definitely not what it’s like in the movies. And if it was, I think my life would be slightly easier.
Do you every get those 3 am lonely feelings? Those “I want someone to come cuddle with me” kind of feelings? Yeah, those are the worst. All I have is my pillow that is nowhere near to my needs. But what is the worst is when you hang out with all your friends and they bring their boyfriends or girlfriends. That’s the true definition of being single.
But also.. Being single is seriously not that bad..? I mean I can talk to my friends about this cute guy I met without the “But you have a boyfriend!!” Also, I can talk to guys without worrying about feelings between us. I can catch feelings with anyone and not worry about someone getting upset.. But obviously I’m not going around catching feelings with everyone that I meet. But you get the point.
I guess I have a lot of learning to do. But love is frustrating.