Day 8: What I hope my future will be.
When I see my future. I vision a nice house, with a man I love, with children playing in my kitchen. I see staying in touch with my family and inviting them over to my house to make them Summer dinners. I see myself at my wedding, marrying the man of my dreams. Having beautiful children and a dog and cats.
But, where do I see myself.. Career wise? All through high school, I wanted to major in music education and be just like my band director. But.. for the past couple months, I lost interest in that idea. I don’t even know if I want to go to college. I think of it.. like.. I can still be happy and successful without going to college. I’m still thinking about college but possibly not at my dream school. I’m still thinking about it.
I know what some of you guys are thinking. “She’s lazy and doesn’t want to bother going through school. She’s going the easy way out.” And that’s not true. I just don’t want to go if I’m not ready. Why waste thousands of dollars to something I would quit halfway through?
I mean, I think that’s a logical answer for anyone talking about college, right?
But, as an 18-year-old. I feel like I should know my goals and know how and where to go, right? But, I’m only 18. My brain isn’t even fully developed yet. Like, how am I supposed to make life choices when my head isn’t fully developed?
Sometimes I feel guilty to say, “I don’t know what I want to do. Or even go to college..” Because it makes you look stupid to not go to college. At least the people around me think that. I would hate to tell all my college friends, “I never went to college”. Becuase “I didn’t go to college” sounds like “I’m too lazy to get an education” to some people. Actually, to some people, college is everything. To others, they can’t handle college. It’s simply not for them. I don’t want to say, “Undecided” when teachers come to me and say, “What are you doing after high school?”
Sometimes the pressure about my future is so stressful on me that I panic about it. I can’t handle the disappointment in people’s eyes when I say that “I don’t know if I want to go to college or not.” Because it either shows them I’m lazy and a huge procrastinator, or I am just a flat out disappointing human being.
But, what would make me happy is to be in a home, with a family. My job will come later. Even though I need a job to get these things. I think it will work out in the end.. Hopefully. College isn’t for everyone. I can be just as happy if I don’t go. I think I would be worse in college, honestly. Unfortunately, I’m a senior in high school and I kind of need to get it together. I just pray He can show me the right path and settles the pain of my future. I don’t want a lot, just happiness, you feel?